*Kvetch: A relatively healthy adult surrounded by unnoticed blessings whose parents only paid attention to him or her when he or she was little and whined or had a tummy ache. The words, “I’m fine,” aren’t in his or her vocabulary unless laced with terse guilt. If the listener catches the guilt, he or she should learn the art of ducking.
The other day I had to call a known kvetch. She answered with her usual “death is imminent” tone in her voice. I quipped, “Make sure your kids call to tell me when the funeral will be.” The words may sound nasty to you, but they transmitted magic medication through the airwaves because her voice suddenly sounded bright and healthy. I used to feel sorry for this gal’s kids until I realized they are her enablers. They dote on her every whine, just as her parents probably did. She’s learned if she does it with me, I get off the phone ASAP.
Advice to young mothers: If you want to ruin your unborn grandchildren’s adult lives, let your children whine. If you love those unborn kids, only answer your children if they speak in a normal voice and dote on them when they are nice!!!
*Yiddish for constant complaining
Showing posts with label senior humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label senior humor. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Tails of the Mischievious Ciberspace Ghost
In my previous life, I must have offended someone real badly. This person’s ghost seeks vengeance by continuously making unnoticeible spelling or grammar errors in my Word Documents in the few seconds it takes for me to cut and paste them into my blog. I’m not aware of the dirty tricks until after my blog is posted, and a reader will sheepishly say or write, “Loved the blog, but you spelled something incorrectly.”
The ghost has haunted me since grade school giving many the incorrect impression I’m bearly spelling literate. White Out was my savior for years when I spotted the evil mistakes made becauze the ghost pushed my fingers on the wrong keys of my tipewriter. Before White Out, four those old enough to remember, I used paper—I think it was called onionskin—that was easy to erase and retipe without having to start the page again.
With the advent of the computer and tools such as spell and grammar check, I thought my spelling woes were over except for proper nouns like Neimen’s. Knowing how the evil ghost finds ways to harm my finished product, several proofreading pros combed the manuscript of Retired NOT Expired before I sent it through cyberspace to the publisher.
The book sales are going beyond my wildest dreams, but woe is me, the vengeful ghost found a way to do it’s damage! Thanks to electronic publishing, the damage in my book has been undone and all future copies should be error free. I also decided to stately in my loudest voice, “Please forgive me and don’t harm my work anymore.”
I’ve proof read this blog four times and it is error free! Hopefully, the ghost will find piece now an lay two rest.
http://www.edasuzanne.com/
The ghost has haunted me since grade school giving many the incorrect impression I’m bearly spelling literate. White Out was my savior for years when I spotted the evil mistakes made becauze the ghost pushed my fingers on the wrong keys of my tipewriter. Before White Out, four those old enough to remember, I used paper—I think it was called onionskin—that was easy to erase and retipe without having to start the page again.
With the advent of the computer and tools such as spell and grammar check, I thought my spelling woes were over except for proper nouns like Neimen’s. Knowing how the evil ghost finds ways to harm my finished product, several proofreading pros combed the manuscript of Retired NOT Expired before I sent it through cyberspace to the publisher.
The book sales are going beyond my wildest dreams, but woe is me, the vengeful ghost found a way to do it’s damage! Thanks to electronic publishing, the damage in my book has been undone and all future copies should be error free. I also decided to stately in my loudest voice, “Please forgive me and don’t harm my work anymore.”
I’ve proof read this blog four times and it is error free! Hopefully, the ghost will find piece now an lay two rest.
http://www.edasuzanne.com/
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
My Friend, My Blog
Each week I leave my senior paradise and head 45 minutes south to my previous neighborhood for an afternoon of lunch and then Mah Jongg with old friends. Those of you who have read my book, Retired NOT Expired, know that this lunch bunch and their spouses are the inspiration of much of the humor in the book—indeed one of the husband’s wants to know who will play him in the potential movie since Cary Grant is dead.(I can dream, can’t I?).
Anyway, back to the point. If you remember the chapter, “Weight, Weight Don’t Tell Me,” one of my friend’s propensity for buying diet books inspired one of the funny fictional characters. Yesterday, while we were all sitting around one player’s kitchen table, a strange beeping could be heard. Immediately, each of us checked our cell phones to see which one had “laryngitis.” “It’s not your cell phones. It’s this.” With that said, my friend picked up her loose sleeve.
At first, as she explained her newest weight reduction plan, we all listened with straight faces.The gizmo, which resembled a mini blood pressure machine, was “telling her” she wasn’t burning up the calories she was consuming. I’m not sure of the details, but it seems this gadget monitors how many calories she burns a day and lets her know if she isn’t moving enough to burn off her allotment.
She never finished her explanation. Uncontrollable fits of laughter interrupted her mini lecture. When the rest of us regained our composure, I said, “People want me to begin my next book. I didn’t have a topic until now, but today I do—in fact it might be half way written. I’ll call it, My Friend, My Blog.”
More laughter erupted. The dieter was the only one who didn’t understand. You see, she doesn’t read my blogs and all the others do. They know I’ve written several blogs about her—most recently one about cell phones. When she realized what we were laughing at, she admitted she better begin to read them. Then she walked around the room until her "toy" silenced.
Oh – if this thing really works, I know what I want for Mother’s Day!
Anyway, back to the point. If you remember the chapter, “Weight, Weight Don’t Tell Me,” one of my friend’s propensity for buying diet books inspired one of the funny fictional characters. Yesterday, while we were all sitting around one player’s kitchen table, a strange beeping could be heard. Immediately, each of us checked our cell phones to see which one had “laryngitis.” “It’s not your cell phones. It’s this.” With that said, my friend picked up her loose sleeve.
At first, as she explained her newest weight reduction plan, we all listened with straight faces.The gizmo, which resembled a mini blood pressure machine, was “telling her” she wasn’t burning up the calories she was consuming. I’m not sure of the details, but it seems this gadget monitors how many calories she burns a day and lets her know if she isn’t moving enough to burn off her allotment.
She never finished her explanation. Uncontrollable fits of laughter interrupted her mini lecture. When the rest of us regained our composure, I said, “People want me to begin my next book. I didn’t have a topic until now, but today I do—in fact it might be half way written. I’ll call it, My Friend, My Blog.”
More laughter erupted. The dieter was the only one who didn’t understand. You see, she doesn’t read my blogs and all the others do. They know I’ve written several blogs about her—most recently one about cell phones. When she realized what we were laughing at, she admitted she better begin to read them. Then she walked around the room until her "toy" silenced.
Oh – if this thing really works, I know what I want for Mother’s Day!
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