Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Announcing...Sort Of

While I was on the phone with a dear friend a few days ago, she received another call and put me on hold. Moments later she got back on, shouting, “It’s a girl.”

I wished her, “Mazel Tov!” and together we sang a short happy Hebrew song of celebration. While singing nagging thoughts whirled through my head. I was sure the baby wasn’t due until late spring. Also, it was weird she wasn’t hanging up the phone, so she could “call the world.” The most puzzling thought was, since she is the kind of grandma who is right near her children for such a joyous occasion, why wasn’t she at the hospital.

Later that day, I shared the good news with a mutual friend. Her reaction dittoed mine. This morning, the two of us again discussed the news that seemed to be being kept a secret. My friend asked me if I was sure she said her DIL gave birth because it is so unlike her (our mutual friend) not to send out a mass email with the great news and catch the next plane to her kids.

Mentally, I reenacted the conversation, and said, “I’m positive she said, ‘It’s a girl.’”

The voice at the other end of my phone said, “Oh. She didn’t say she “had it.” All she said was its sex. I told you she’s not due until the summer.”

If I was an enterprising person, I would start to sell sonogram announcements. Why wait since by the time the baby arrives since nothing is a surprise anymore—unless of course, an unborn hand was over a private part and the tech didn’t realize it.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Oy Vey!

*Kvetch: A relatively healthy adult surrounded by unnoticed blessings whose parents only paid attention to him or her when he or she was little and whined or had a tummy ache. The words, “I’m fine,” aren’t in his or her vocabulary unless laced with terse guilt. If the listener catches the guilt, he or she should learn the art of ducking.

The other day I had to call a known kvetch. She answered with her usual “death is imminent” tone in her voice. I quipped, “Make sure your kids call to tell me when the funeral will be.” The words may sound nasty to you, but they transmitted magic medication through the airwaves because her voice suddenly sounded bright and healthy. I used to feel sorry for this gal’s kids until I realized they are her enablers. They dote on her every whine, just as her parents probably did. She’s learned if she does it with me, I get off the phone ASAP.

Advice to young mothers: If you want to ruin your unborn grandchildren’s adult lives, let your children whine. If you love those unborn kids, only answer your children if they speak in a normal voice and dote on them when they are nice!!!
*Yiddish for constant complaining

Monday, March 14, 2011

Tails of the Mischievious Ciberspace Ghost

In my previous life, I must have offended someone real badly. This person’s ghost seeks vengeance by continuously making unnoticeible spelling or grammar errors in my Word Documents in the few seconds it takes for me to cut and paste them into my blog. I’m not aware of the dirty tricks until after my blog is posted, and a reader will sheepishly say or write, “Loved the blog, but you spelled something incorrectly.”

The ghost has haunted me since grade school giving many the incorrect impression I’m bearly spelling literate. White Out was my savior for years when I spotted the evil mistakes made becauze the ghost pushed my fingers on the wrong keys of my tipewriter. Before White Out, four those old enough to remember, I used paper—I think it was called onionskin—that was easy to erase and retipe without having to start the page again.

With the advent of the computer and tools such as spell and grammar check, I thought my spelling woes were over except for proper nouns like Neimen’s. Knowing how the evil ghost finds ways to harm my finished product, several proofreading pros combed the manuscript of Retired NOT Expired before I sent it through cyberspace to the publisher.

The book sales are going beyond my wildest dreams, but woe is me, the vengeful ghost found a way to do it’s damage! Thanks to electronic publishing, the damage in my book has been undone and all future copies should be error free. I also decided to stately in my loudest voice, “Please forgive me and don’t harm my work anymore.”

I’ve proof read this blog four times and it is error free! Hopefully, the ghost will find piece now an lay two rest.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

My Friend, My Blog

Each week I leave my senior paradise and head 45 minutes south to my previous neighborhood for an afternoon of lunch and then Mah Jongg with old friends. Those of you who have read my book, Retired NOT Expired, know that this lunch bunch and their spouses are the inspiration of much of the humor in the book—indeed one of the husband’s wants to know who will play him in the potential movie since Cary Grant is dead.(I can dream, can’t I?).

Anyway, back to the point. If you remember the chapter, “Weight, Weight Don’t Tell Me,” one of my friend’s propensity for buying diet books inspired one of the funny fictional characters. Yesterday, while we were all sitting around one player’s kitchen table, a strange beeping could be heard. Immediately, each of us checked our cell phones to see which one had “laryngitis.” “It’s not your cell phones. It’s this.” With that said, my friend picked up her loose sleeve.

At first, as she explained her newest weight reduction plan, we all listened with straight faces.The gizmo, which resembled a mini blood pressure machine, was “telling her” she wasn’t burning up the calories she was consuming. I’m not sure of the details, but it seems this gadget monitors how many calories she burns a day and lets her know if she isn’t moving enough to burn off her allotment.

She never finished her explanation. Uncontrollable fits of laughter interrupted her mini lecture. When the rest of us regained our composure, I said, “People want me to begin my next book. I didn’t have a topic until now, but today I do—in fact it might be half way written. I’ll call it, My Friend, My Blog.”

More laughter erupted. The dieter was the only one who didn’t understand. You see, she doesn’t read my blogs and all the others do. They know I’ve written several blogs about her—most recently one about cell phones. When she realized what we were laughing at, she admitted she better begin to read them. Then she walked around the room until her "toy" silenced.

Oh – if this thing really works, I know what I want for Mother’s Day!